seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
