I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I want a musical about memes.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
