Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
