at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize