Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
