OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
