At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
