Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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