He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
