I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The Olympian is in my bed
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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