I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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