I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
