Need sex. Gaining weight.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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