Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
