No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize