Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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