i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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