2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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