I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
