I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Someone signed my nipple.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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