am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
