Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
