Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
