Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
