I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
