you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
