I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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