You're my little dorito
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
420 ftw
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
