If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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