Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
