she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
