The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
