So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
