wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
