i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
