You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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