I met the friendliest cop last night
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
