fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
