how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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