So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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