Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
