neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Randomize
