wrigley field is MILF paradise
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
