I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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