Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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