Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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