i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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