does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
