If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
