Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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