She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
