I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
did you just send me my own nude
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
