Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize