the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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