Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
