I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
