Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
