She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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