i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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