Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
